Happiness is a Tease

Does any of it matter? I mean in the end it all hurts just the same. The fight to be happy, the challenge to stay optimistic; what's it all worth at the end of the day when you allow yourself to feel the truth and soak in the sorrows of reality. Maybe it benefits the people around you, the ones that care. I think that pretending to be strong allows others to believe that there's hope and life isn't so bad. That's why I try to uphold a happy face. But I know I should  just be living and, in the words of the beatles, let it be. It's hard though because I let myself feel too much and think too much. Im so sick of always dreaming; but it's all i ever do and i know i'll never stop. I'll admit that i am a hypocrit: I do see the beauty in the world, I believe in the strength of love, I have faith in happiness and hope for the good in things. But sometimes I fall, sometimes the world is ugly and love seems to always be fading. Sometimes happiness appears as a tease and the bad conquers the good. The truth is it all depends on your outlook, and i try to stay on the positive perspective but what happens when your heart tightens and sadness consumes you and takes over your mind? It's hard and it's selfish .. cause I have it so good. I know that...i love my life - but the bad things always seem to claw their way into my thoughts.

New Sun, New Day; Same Shit

It’s the same old scenario, with the same old questions; when did everything change? When did everything get so complicated? I look around my room that reflects all the dreams I have, nothing realistic, all just dreams of a dreamer. I’m a lost hopeful soul expecting something magical to happen, some fairytale story of love, even tragedy, as long as there is an adventure in there. I see fairies placed around the room, trying to create the mystical world I live in, and I live there in my mind. But this world that I’ve created, over and over again I crash into the reality that it’s not real. Like on days such as this. I’ve trapped myself as a believer in things that will never be. I look over papers of things I have written and see that I have not changed as much as I think. When I reread pages written about the horror of growing up I just find myself back in those moments and feel the pain as if it were still happening now. I know that by tomorrow I will have talked myself back into positive thinking; back to dreamer mode, but days like this seem to be happening more and more; where I crash and burn. All I feel like doing is dying. I'm falling out of Wonderland.

There Is No Greater Joy Than To Have An Endlessly Changing Horizon, For Each Day To Have A New & Different Sun

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All i know is that it feels like forever
When noone ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head - stoned sour

Today I spent the whole day in bed..lost in my thoughts - like usual - but I came to realize how sad I was. How even though I like being alone and independent..sometimes it is very lonely. & sometimes i wish that i could be someone special, to somebody else.  How can it be that i am the only one left.. who hasn't found love at one point or another? I don't get it; it happens to those who don't even believe in it.. but what about those who do and yet have never had it?  Also, how can you miss something that you never had? That was never yours?

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." — Chris McCandless

Anyways i came to see that i needed to cheer myself up; get back to my optimistic self. So i poured a glass of wine and wrote down my life goals:

1. Join Big Brother, Big Sister
2. Learn another language
3. Go to Scotland
4. Take a literature course
5. Take a psychology course
6. Fall in love *****
7. Write a book
8. Try horse back riding again
9. Travel & live in Europe for a year
10. Go sky diving
11. Ride in a hot air balloon
12. Volunteer in Africa
13. Learn how to surf
14. Live on a farm for a few months
15. Go to Egypt, ride a camel, visit a pyramid
16. Never live the same day twice !

Even if Clouds Cover the Sun

If it wasn't for a sunny day after the worst of storms coward, then where would hope lie? In the arms of the broken; no easier lost than found. As I walk and talk I realize that I myself am no less than a human contradiction, inflicted with emotions that do not mesh; the rain brings forth smiles, the light brings in the dark.

To know truth is unbearable but to wear a mask is far more painful. With the answers scratching at the surface, slowly killing you to break through and let yourself become vulnerable with honesty. Though sometimes death is tempting, if you get to live in ignorant bliss. Knowledge is all anyone grasps for now, leaving feelings aside, but without feeling where is life? Where does the faith and hope, passion and desire, truth and freedom run to? At moments they shine through the cracks and holes that have not been influenced and tainted. Those moments of beauty strung along create the only memories worth reliving before the soul itself escapes the blind shell of life. To break free, to laugh and cry, to live beyond all else that has failed.

Jumping into a new world without fear, for fear is foolish and yet weakness can be strength; it takes a certain kind of strength to reveal ones weakness. But soon the flames burn out, the dust leaves a trail, following in the same footsteps, until its too late to make new ones.

But when I wake to a sunny day, where the storm is a distant pain, stored in yesterday; a new smile creeps upon my face and once again faith is restored.. until my thoughts linger to a new approaching storm .

Alice

*Everything is beautiful. There is no evil to be attached. The floors swirl inviting you in. The room flourished with colours. Flowers flow from the earthly walls. Giggling and laughing for you to walk further.*



I saw Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland. It indulged every fantasy I have ever imagined of such a world, the world of wonder. My mind carries thoughts that are too unusual to be..thought of, and yet here I sit thinking them, pondering them. Trying to put together pieces of the strange vivid images that flow through my mind. To be in Wonderland is the same as my desire to be stolen away to Neverland. I hate to grow up.



*At the the other end of the room a mirror takes form. The reflection reveals a face that hold no shadows. A smile that sparkles through the eyes. Looking in the mirrow little faces look back. All smiling and singing a melody. Convincing you that you're a fairy. A fairy princess that has invisible wings. Fly, fly, believe it and you'll fly.*



But like Alice, I don't think I would chose to stay in Wonderland forever; afterall we all have to grow up, and what would happen if you grew up there? Everything around you would still be a land full of things that should be this way not that, here not there, chaos. After a while I'm sure it would be no place to live a real life. Though I suppose I contradict myself if what im after is a dreamworld, an escape from reality.



*Happiness is all there is and to pretend is easy. Slowly floating above the swirling floor, you soar past the walls. Touch the ground thats white as snow; what you're standing on is a cloud. In the mystical world where you're closer to the moon, the glittering stars shimmer down upon you. Laying down upon the cloudland staring at the sky, the star dust trickles closer towards you.*



Maybe all I can hold onto is the hope and imagination that lies within the written word of a poem, a story, a movie script. It is in those pages, those moving images, where all the impossibilities in the world are proven as possible. Life without a sense of reality is not a life at all, but at any moment possible I indulge my fantasies and silly thoughts and get lost inside them, if only to believe they are real for stolen moments in time. I fear that there are less people who allow themselves to dream anymore, and I feel sad for them; the imagination is the greatest weapon to apply to reality to make the reality all the more bearable.



*With a deep breath that warms your entire body, you know that everything is wonderful. Even though it wont last forever, no fear tingles inside. It is enivitable to find sorrow again, but you can live in the magic.. if only the soul believes.*

Coffee & Baileys

"Nobody wants to live in Florida..unless you're an orange!"

I am soaking up the sun in the sunshine state of Florida! Actually that is sort of a lie since it is quite chilly right now.. but it is a lot better than back in Toronto. I am still waiting for Tara to arrive, our plans got..misunderstood i guess, and so i got here yesterday and had to chill with her parents without her! But it was good times, her mom and I made some pretty awesome Martini's that were actually more like just vodka.
Starting the day by eating some lovely oranges and drinking coffee & baileys, yumm! Yes the coffee and baileys is practically tradition when i come here with the Eadie's, and its a good one!
Last night i realized what i want to do more than anything; go to Edinburgh, Scotland, and go to university for literature there. Not sure how Mrs. Eadie and i got on the subject, but it turns out that i really really intend to do this. It has always been my dream just to go to Scotland; there's just something about it that pulls me in - it seems so romantic, with all of the ruins and abandoned castles! It is full of so much history that i can't get enough of.
I'll find a way, we'll see.

In Other Words

Fly me to the moon;

Let me play among the stars

Let me see what spring is like,

On Jupiter and Mars.

In other words, hold my hand;

In other words, baby, kiss me

- Frank Sinatra

Oh what it'd be to be in love...

I wait for such a day.

Stardust Blanket

*the stars dust fall freely

opening its unconditional hope

sparkling gracefully as they twinkle to earths corners

covering the ground in a blanket of dreams

where all things can safely succumb to slumber*

Some people may think it's strange, but I much prefer the night over the day. The way I see it,  it is simply filled with magic and wonder; dreams.

The day is beautiful when the sun warms us with its kisses, but it also shields us. The day clouds our visions to all that is beyond, keeping hopes and dreams at bay

*embraced with unfailing faith

peaceful and yet it is more than silence

a sound of comfort, of a truth still unkown*

But when the sun falls away and the moon shines down; that is when the sky reveals its vulnerability. The fog is lifted and we get a powerful glimpse of the universe. Little bits and pieces of the bigger picture; of what's already written in the stars

*some may find themselves caught with curiousity

searching and digging for a hole in the silk

but the truth is why search when we are blessed with a cover from the stars

a shield where all can breathe and believe*

The stars are there to mock us, tease us, with all their secrets of what is to come. It is a romantic moment between one person and the universe, if only a moment, where dreams are shared and the sparks of hope ignite; burning bright as any falling star. So call me dark, isolated, whichever, the nighttime will always fulfill my faith, lighter than any sun.

*if only they can trust the magic of stardust

holding in their palms the key to any fantasy

eyes keen to close

for it is lovely to sleep in the arms of a starlit sky*

Life is but a Dream

I know nothing with any certainty,

but the sight of stars makes me dream

- Vincent Van Gogh

I just saw "Shutter Island" with my dad, and it got me thinking of reality as a whole. In perspective, how can any of us be sure of whats real and what is not? What if everything we ever believed we were, or are is wrong? Any one of us could be walking around thinking "hey this is my life, this is my name, and this is what i do" and then if you look at the bigger picture you are actually a crazy person in an insane asylum never knowing the reality of the situation. Yes this movie was very similar to Vanilla Sky in the sense that it messes with your mind, with any certainty of your existance.

The curious part -spoiler coming up- is that at the end he realizes that he is crazy and finds his reality, but then pretends to stay crazy in order to be sentenced to death - because in reality he did this awful thing. He decided he'd rather die a good man insane rather than live in reality as a monster.

What if it's true: Life is but a dream

Empty Window

It didn’t matter whether the night was warm with a summer breeze or crisp from winters touch, she would never allow her window to be closed. Her parents never knew of her secret but she would sneak out of bed each night and sit by her window looking out at the skies wonder, in hope that something special would happen. The little girl knew that stories were not real, but still she couldn’t help but believe that the tale of Peter Pan could exist and that a young boy would find her open window and take her away to Never Land.

********************************************* ************************************

She looked out her window and remembered a simpler time when it was easy to believe in magic, a time where Peter Pan and fairytales were thoughts of possibilities, not fiction. It was getting harder for her to have faith in something just to believe it was real. When did it get so hard to think everything will be alright in the end? She sat down onto her bed still staring out the window.
“Please come, come now. Please find me. I don’t want to go out there and face the world, I don’t want grow up.” – Tears began to fall down her cheeks. “I don’t want to forget how to believe, how to believe in true love, in finding the rest of your soul, how to believe in hope and happy endings, how to believe in the magic of all things.”
She continued crying but fell silent after her plea for Peter to come steal her away from reality. The thought of having to enter the harsh world of reality was a greater threat than she ever imagined.

Open Your Eyes

When I come across a dream that feels so real I explode with desire and passion but not to long after I realize that there was no foundation to the dream and I watch it fade away from my grasp, then I start to drown in my loss. Almost like mourning, but then how can you miss something that was never there, that was never yours? Reality is a harsh place. We are taught to believe in so many things. They tell us to believe in heaven, a place that exists only for peace and love, no wars or hate. We are to believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, and the Easter bunny and are told that we can be anything we want to be. For a good part of our life we take in these stories and breathe them like air for we believe that there is something to look forward to, that there is something more in this world. Slowly we finally get the facts; there’s no Santa, no Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny, and not everybody can be who they want to be. All our hope, all of our faith is just taken away and our dreams turn into a nightmare which we are to call reality. The magic that once filled our souls is emptied and filled with doubt. We reach out to heaven, in hope that something in this life is real.

No body feels understood. Everyone has their own story and each story has a deeper meaning, deeper thoughts that no one can describe. Seems like we’re always searching for something, maybe it’s love, but love is just a high that won’t last. You may love someone and be loved but still you will never be complete. No matter how hard you try to walk around it, block it or fill it the empty space remains. I try to see the world as a beautiful place because if you look closely it is. We are capable of feeling, of touching. Though you may feel hurt or sadness it is still feeling. You get to enjoy the feelings of happiness and excitement. The feeling of awe. Humans are incredible in such a way and its exhilarating to be able to feel; but people just have to channel their feelings. The world is beautiful and maybe the madness will someday end and we could see each other for who we really are, the same. No matter what race you are, or what religion you believe in we are all the same. We all want the same thing; to find what we’re searching for to fill in that place in your soul. Maybe when we see each other for what we are, then we will know that we are not alone, that we are one and that we can feel safe

We are pushed to learn, to succeed, and to make a difference. During this we are also taught that love conquers all, money isn’t everything, and if you work hard enough your dreams can come true. Why are we to be fed lies and even more why are we foolish enough to believe them. If money isn’t everything then why do we fight over it, why do we loose ourselves when trying to gain power? Those with money are the ones who rule our world, yet it is the people who don’t have it that have the pure hearts, that have the right minds to rule. Everyone’s intentions start out good and pure but the outcome rarely ends that way. There is no such thing as a good person, or bad. We all have evil in us as well as good but I don’t think we know how to tell them apart sometimes because there are so many of us out there that do wrong. In their minds it makes sense, like I said everyone has their own reasons and if we learned them I’m sure we’d understand even though it’s the wrong thing to do.

The children of today won’t save tomorrow; the children of tomorrow won’t save our future because no matter what generation we are in we keep making the same mistakes in different ways. So in this harsh world of reality we are not learning and I don’t think that anyone can accept that, so we continue to tell ourselves that we are right, that we are moving forward.

Do we all secretly number our days, wondering when our time is up? Many fear it, but if you believe in heaven or life after death why would you? Why wouldn’t you want to go there? It’s simply because deep down you aren’t sure whether it’s real, whether or not it is another lie. But this, this life, this world can’t be it. It can’t be all there is because we are nothing compared to the universe, to what’s really out there. There are too many unanswered questions for this to be it, and we will never figure it out until our time here is up. There is a bigger reason as to why we exist and why we walk the earth searching for something that we can’t find. There is no point in giving up; I never understood why people kill themselves because they don’t know what their future may bring. Even if it turns out to be a lonely disastrous life, it’s still life and there must’ve been a reason for it. That is one thing I believe, fate, everything happens for a reason and I think that is why I hold on because I know that there is a bigger plan for all of us.

Happiness is something that we can find daily but it can disappear as fast as it came. It comes and it goes, just like anything else, but when you have it I think its best to appreciate that you got the chance to experience its presence. All of those things, like laughter and love, kindness and goodness is all a gift that you receive more than once in your lifetime, but it also gets taken away when you might need it most. Sometimes we forget what its like to be happy, and that’s when it comes back to you, then there are times you feel that you’ve never known sadness, and that’s when it returns.

Are we all just shadows of past lives, stepping in the same footprints that others have left behind? As each night turns to day, and day turns to night time is still never grasped. It is something we can never get enough of, something that isn’t ours, something that determines our lives.We are selfish beings no matter how much we try to give, we all need and we all do whatever it takes to get what we most desire, but at what cost? In the end it’s never really worth it. Like love, at first it’s full of passion and lust but the fire always burns out, and sometimes you are left with someone you can trust and confide in, but other times you are left with a stranger and you don’t know who they are anymore. One day life, everything, may all make sense, or maybe it’s just something that’s not meant to be understood.

Perfectly Lonely

Nothing to do, nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do, no one to be
Is it really hard to see why
I'm Perfectly Lonely
- John Mayer

My friends are always on my case because I don't have a boyfriend, and honestly don't even want one! I don't understand why it's such a big deal, I am perfectly happy being on my own and independent. It may seem weird to others I guess, but I just don't feel the need to go searching for someone, I don't believe that getting married and having kids is the most important thing to do.
To be honest I don't really believe in marriage; if you love someone you shouldnt have to prove it with a piece of paper...the moment you get married the respect for eachother goes out the window and you get too comfortable
I am a big fan of love, but no I have never been in love before. I want that kind of love where I am their everything and they are mine and life wouldn't be worth it without them. I'm tired of looking, and I am content on waiting, but people won't let me forget it.
All I am doing is waiting for the right guy - is that so bad?
I want it to feel natural, comfortable, with sparks and passion. Not forced upon.

Wait for fate to send a sign;
Who says i can't take time?
- John Mayer

First Blog!

Hey world!
so this is my first blog,
not gonna be very interesting since this was a very in the moment act
and i am tired.
but i will try to be committed to this as i do have a lot of ...unusual and possibly interesting thoughts that i do not intend to speak aloud, just write it out to strangers who might share similar ideas.
It is a good way to let things out, like a diary.
well goodnight!
& sweet dreams