New Sun, New Day; Same Shit

It’s the same old scenario, with the same old questions; when did everything change? When did everything get so complicated? I look around my room that reflects all the dreams I have, nothing realistic, all just dreams of a dreamer. I’m a lost hopeful soul expecting something magical to happen, some fairytale story of love, even tragedy, as long as there is an adventure in there. I see fairies placed around the room, trying to create the mystical world I live in, and I live there in my mind. But this world that I’ve created, over and over again I crash into the reality that it’s not real. Like on days such as this. I’ve trapped myself as a believer in things that will never be. I look over papers of things I have written and see that I have not changed as much as I think. When I reread pages written about the horror of growing up I just find myself back in those moments and feel the pain as if it were still happening now. I know that by tomorrow I will have talked myself back into positive thinking; back to dreamer mode, but days like this seem to be happening more and more; where I crash and burn. All I feel like doing is dying. I'm falling out of Wonderland.

There Is No Greater Joy Than To Have An Endlessly Changing Horizon, For Each Day To Have A New & Different Sun

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All i know is that it feels like forever
When noone ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head - stoned sour

Today I spent the whole day in bed..lost in my thoughts - like usual - but I came to realize how sad I was. How even though I like being alone and independent..sometimes it is very lonely. & sometimes i wish that i could be someone special, to somebody else.  How can it be that i am the only one left.. who hasn't found love at one point or another? I don't get it; it happens to those who don't even believe in it.. but what about those who do and yet have never had it?  Also, how can you miss something that you never had? That was never yours?

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." — Chris McCandless

Anyways i came to see that i needed to cheer myself up; get back to my optimistic self. So i poured a glass of wine and wrote down my life goals:

1. Join Big Brother, Big Sister
2. Learn another language
3. Go to Scotland
4. Take a literature course
5. Take a psychology course
6. Fall in love *****
7. Write a book
8. Try horse back riding again
9. Travel & live in Europe for a year
10. Go sky diving
11. Ride in a hot air balloon
12. Volunteer in Africa
13. Learn how to surf
14. Live on a farm for a few months
15. Go to Egypt, ride a camel, visit a pyramid
16. Never live the same day twice !

Even if Clouds Cover the Sun

If it wasn't for a sunny day after the worst of storms coward, then where would hope lie? In the arms of the broken; no easier lost than found. As I walk and talk I realize that I myself am no less than a human contradiction, inflicted with emotions that do not mesh; the rain brings forth smiles, the light brings in the dark.

To know truth is unbearable but to wear a mask is far more painful. With the answers scratching at the surface, slowly killing you to break through and let yourself become vulnerable with honesty. Though sometimes death is tempting, if you get to live in ignorant bliss. Knowledge is all anyone grasps for now, leaving feelings aside, but without feeling where is life? Where does the faith and hope, passion and desire, truth and freedom run to? At moments they shine through the cracks and holes that have not been influenced and tainted. Those moments of beauty strung along create the only memories worth reliving before the soul itself escapes the blind shell of life. To break free, to laugh and cry, to live beyond all else that has failed.

Jumping into a new world without fear, for fear is foolish and yet weakness can be strength; it takes a certain kind of strength to reveal ones weakness. But soon the flames burn out, the dust leaves a trail, following in the same footsteps, until its too late to make new ones.

But when I wake to a sunny day, where the storm is a distant pain, stored in yesterday; a new smile creeps upon my face and once again faith is restored.. until my thoughts linger to a new approaching storm .

Alice

*Everything is beautiful. There is no evil to be attached. The floors swirl inviting you in. The room flourished with colours. Flowers flow from the earthly walls. Giggling and laughing for you to walk further.*



I saw Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland. It indulged every fantasy I have ever imagined of such a world, the world of wonder. My mind carries thoughts that are too unusual to be..thought of, and yet here I sit thinking them, pondering them. Trying to put together pieces of the strange vivid images that flow through my mind. To be in Wonderland is the same as my desire to be stolen away to Neverland. I hate to grow up.



*At the the other end of the room a mirror takes form. The reflection reveals a face that hold no shadows. A smile that sparkles through the eyes. Looking in the mirrow little faces look back. All smiling and singing a melody. Convincing you that you're a fairy. A fairy princess that has invisible wings. Fly, fly, believe it and you'll fly.*



But like Alice, I don't think I would chose to stay in Wonderland forever; afterall we all have to grow up, and what would happen if you grew up there? Everything around you would still be a land full of things that should be this way not that, here not there, chaos. After a while I'm sure it would be no place to live a real life. Though I suppose I contradict myself if what im after is a dreamworld, an escape from reality.



*Happiness is all there is and to pretend is easy. Slowly floating above the swirling floor, you soar past the walls. Touch the ground thats white as snow; what you're standing on is a cloud. In the mystical world where you're closer to the moon, the glittering stars shimmer down upon you. Laying down upon the cloudland staring at the sky, the star dust trickles closer towards you.*



Maybe all I can hold onto is the hope and imagination that lies within the written word of a poem, a story, a movie script. It is in those pages, those moving images, where all the impossibilities in the world are proven as possible. Life without a sense of reality is not a life at all, but at any moment possible I indulge my fantasies and silly thoughts and get lost inside them, if only to believe they are real for stolen moments in time. I fear that there are less people who allow themselves to dream anymore, and I feel sad for them; the imagination is the greatest weapon to apply to reality to make the reality all the more bearable.



*With a deep breath that warms your entire body, you know that everything is wonderful. Even though it wont last forever, no fear tingles inside. It is enivitable to find sorrow again, but you can live in the magic.. if only the soul believes.*