I have yet to write about my month in Italy!
Where do I even begin to describe the heavenly experience of living in Florence. Well, I suppose heaven is the key word here. Florence is a very special place, a hauntingly beautiful city rich with history and grand old architecture. It's magnetic; every day I woke up with the sensation that any dream or desire of mine was about to be fulfilled - and usually it was.
I found peace walking the streets of Florence at night. Never before had I felt more at home, nor my soul so inspired and yet stilled by this peace. The streets are a more quiet at night - not silent - but the tourists have disappeared. I no longer considered myself a tourist after a week of being there, but referred to myself as a traveler - it truly is a different experience to be able to immerse yourself into the culture and live the lifestyle for a period of time. Getting lost on different streets and ally ways trying to find a pub, or a good place to eat was always a wonderful adventure. Yes, getting lost was a theme on this trip. It was easy to find yourself lost in the city's intricate design, but the beautiful thing was that there was time allowed to find your way, and in fact not knowing where I was half the time led me to the most magnificent places where I saw the most magical things.
The lifestyle is gorgeous in Italy, and probably most of Europe share a similar perspective. Time passes slowly. You can relax, breathe slower, feel inspired by any little thing. They take three hour lunch breaks and enjoy things as they come. It is very different then our North American, do as much as you can as fast as you can, lifestyle. I could get used to the Italian way of living.
Every night my friend(s) and I would enjoy some wine at the Hostel Plus outdoor bar, which in itself was a vision. There were fences lines with vines and strings of white lights, as well as a pool the shined with different colours at night. Every single night we met so many new people from places all over the world. It was incredible and learned so much about different cultures. Yes, we were there for academic purposes, but chose the fuck school motto in order to embrace our time in Italy and all of its potential.
A friend and I went to Pisa and met up with some English boys we met on one of our first nights. Its was a lovely place to spend the day and they were great company. Other voyages we took were to Rome (which the touristy spots were great but definitely an overrated place in my opinion) and also Verona which I would love to go to again someday and spend some quality time there. It was beautiful, and I even left a note for the lovely Juliette to read at the famous balcony from Romeo and Juliette.
However, nothing compared to magic of Florence. It became home to us.
Some notes I jotted down quickly of little daily memories:
- First dinner by the carousal (magical lit up at night); great pasta, met Oliver and Rupert [trust fund babies, kicking children] British drinking song at a pub, trying to find a cigarette machine - found condom machine instead.
- late night walk, sitting on Dumo steps
- Pisa: meet Oli and Rupert; pigeons rape, no show boat race; peach ice tea
- Dianna (29 yr old cougar) & Peter; dinner by carousal; street show; wandering the streets
- Drinks/Shots with the Americans in their room; hockey fans; Liam = soulmate names
- Lunch by the river; greatest coffee in existence
- "There is a difference"
- Movie Scene afternoon; climb Michelangelo; take foreign paths; gelato; vintage shop; nap in the park listening to Frank Sinatra as is rains
- SPACE, surrounded by men; walked home in heels
- Canada Day; fireworks on terrace; buckets
- Rome: wine, sites, worst lunches, bleeding feet, blessed by the pope, missed casino train
- Pub night; dancing in the street with carrot top; pee in ally way; found late night sandwhich shop
- Being a late night drunken muse on a stool; saint jokes; sunrise walk - the disappointment!
-black out wasted; sang wrong Lana lyrics; hot vomiting mess in Jeremy's room
- Seeing the Statue of David, most beautiful man in existence
- My day wondering alone - lunched alone, beer alone, getting lost in the boboli gardens (never seen such a gorgeous site) soul fulfilled.
- Evening walk/climb to the Michelangelo with Brittany.. sunset/night .. "is this our life?"
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Fear of Infinity
Last night I had dinner with my dad and grandma in the city. We ended up talking about the place where my dad grew up and how these townhouses are going to be torn down for new buildings. Naturally, this lead to stories of his childhood. I could listen for hours to stories of the past and indulge in the fantasy that life was better, simpler, more romantic in such a time.
But these stories also elicit a fear that I cannot properly describe. The idea that the places where all of these events happened is about to be destroyed and eliminated forever scares me to a point of desperation, a void that cannot be filled. The immensity of it all, of all the things that have been, that were, that never will be again. The things I have never known, never seen, never felt, and yet somehow feel connected too. The infinite songs, movies, picture, novels that I will never hear, watch, see, or read.
It's an irrational sentimental fear, but the idea of not being able to know every song that has ever existed, every movie that has ever been made, photographs of people who once were like you and me, and pages of books that I will never touch. All of these are forgotten stories, and it only reminds me of how someday I will be a forgotten story, a memory that will not be remembered. I don't mind not being remembered after I'm gone, but it's all of the things that have come & been before me; things, people, places that I will never know or experience, the immensity of everything that has happened throughout time that has been lost from all recollection really plays into my fear. It gets me thinking about why we are even here at all and what part do we each play in this world, a world that wavers between being small, damaged and hopeless to being vast, illuminating with greatness and hope. An adventure. An overwhelming wave of infinity that, from time to time, floods my mind.
Be good, spread goodness, accept goodness, live a life of kindness and creativity. That's the conclusion I reach everytime these thoughts haunt me. And on the long ride home when my dad decided to turn off the radio and let the silence settle, I looked through the window into the lonely dark sky and focused on the stars, remembering how insignificant everything is at the end of the day.
But these stories also elicit a fear that I cannot properly describe. The idea that the places where all of these events happened is about to be destroyed and eliminated forever scares me to a point of desperation, a void that cannot be filled. The immensity of it all, of all the things that have been, that were, that never will be again. The things I have never known, never seen, never felt, and yet somehow feel connected too. The infinite songs, movies, picture, novels that I will never hear, watch, see, or read.
It's an irrational sentimental fear, but the idea of not being able to know every song that has ever existed, every movie that has ever been made, photographs of people who once were like you and me, and pages of books that I will never touch. All of these are forgotten stories, and it only reminds me of how someday I will be a forgotten story, a memory that will not be remembered. I don't mind not being remembered after I'm gone, but it's all of the things that have come & been before me; things, people, places that I will never know or experience, the immensity of everything that has happened throughout time that has been lost from all recollection really plays into my fear. It gets me thinking about why we are even here at all and what part do we each play in this world, a world that wavers between being small, damaged and hopeless to being vast, illuminating with greatness and hope. An adventure. An overwhelming wave of infinity that, from time to time, floods my mind.
Be good, spread goodness, accept goodness, live a life of kindness and creativity. That's the conclusion I reach everytime these thoughts haunt me. And on the long ride home when my dad decided to turn off the radio and let the silence settle, I looked through the window into the lonely dark sky and focused on the stars, remembering how insignificant everything is at the end of the day.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Paradise
I just returned from a much needed vacation to Mazatlan, Mexico and am missing it terribly. It takes a lot for me to feel stressed or worried over anything really, but for some reason by the end of April I was beginning to feel overwhlemed without knowing the root of why - and I still don't. I do know that this vacation worked its magic and my thoughts are now refreshed.
Mazatlan, oh where do I begin? I have been to Mexico countless times, but never to Mazatlan. Let me tell you, it is one of the most beautiful and underrated place I have visited. My friend Chelsea and I went on the city tour and I have never felt so safe to wander the streets of a foreign design. The landscape, the architcture, all of it was breathtaking while luscious and rich in history. And the people that reside there are just lovely, so kind, friendly, and completely non threatening. Chels and I even ventured to town in an open taxi alone the following day because of the electric atmosphere.
On the city tour we met incredible new friends that gave the expereince that extra special quality. 4 couples ranging from the ages of 24-40 became our family for the last few days of the vacation. The Saturday night after the tour we got dressed in our leafs gear (as we all came from the same Toronto flight) - including Dom's legendary mexican Leafs poncho bought from town, and headed down the road from our resort (YES, we felt safe enought to leave the resort- besides I don't know who would try to tackle ten crazed leaf fans) to a local sportsbar for some grub, drinks, and, of course, the leafs game! The food was spectacular - much better than the resorts, and sadly the leafs sorely lost, but the company was enthused regardless.
We had lunch at another restaurant down the beach from our resort twice as well. There was a surfing contest and the place was packed and full of energy - and might I add dirt cheap! They were handing out free shots of rum as well as nachos and salsa. Always a good time. The waves were constant, and we were told that surfers from California travelled to Mazatlan to ride these waves. The beach is known as "witches beach" because of the many deaths due to undertoe... needless to say we did not tempt fate by swimming in the ocean. But just relaxing on the beach loungers with drinks in our hands, the sun kissing our skin, and a view of towering palm trees along with ocean waves... nothing less than paradise. Pure paradise. And the sunset, we watched every night from our balcony with our evening beer, was a spiritual experience - like looking into a glimpse of heaven.
*long sigh* yes I miss it terribly. It was sad to come home, but home is home and I have returned to beautiful weather in Canada. Summer is here, life is illuminating and alive again. Even breathing is easier in summertime. My mind is at ease, and I'm at peace with nostlagic thoughts of palm trees swaying in the ocean breeze while simultaneously embracing the near future of poolside joy, beaches, and cottage life. Summertime freedom is upon us.
Mazatlan, oh where do I begin? I have been to Mexico countless times, but never to Mazatlan. Let me tell you, it is one of the most beautiful and underrated place I have visited. My friend Chelsea and I went on the city tour and I have never felt so safe to wander the streets of a foreign design. The landscape, the architcture, all of it was breathtaking while luscious and rich in history. And the people that reside there are just lovely, so kind, friendly, and completely non threatening. Chels and I even ventured to town in an open taxi alone the following day because of the electric atmosphere.
On the city tour we met incredible new friends that gave the expereince that extra special quality. 4 couples ranging from the ages of 24-40 became our family for the last few days of the vacation. The Saturday night after the tour we got dressed in our leafs gear (as we all came from the same Toronto flight) - including Dom's legendary mexican Leafs poncho bought from town, and headed down the road from our resort (YES, we felt safe enought to leave the resort- besides I don't know who would try to tackle ten crazed leaf fans) to a local sportsbar for some grub, drinks, and, of course, the leafs game! The food was spectacular - much better than the resorts, and sadly the leafs sorely lost, but the company was enthused regardless.
We had lunch at another restaurant down the beach from our resort twice as well. There was a surfing contest and the place was packed and full of energy - and might I add dirt cheap! They were handing out free shots of rum as well as nachos and salsa. Always a good time. The waves were constant, and we were told that surfers from California travelled to Mazatlan to ride these waves. The beach is known as "witches beach" because of the many deaths due to undertoe... needless to say we did not tempt fate by swimming in the ocean. But just relaxing on the beach loungers with drinks in our hands, the sun kissing our skin, and a view of towering palm trees along with ocean waves... nothing less than paradise. Pure paradise. And the sunset, we watched every night from our balcony with our evening beer, was a spiritual experience - like looking into a glimpse of heaven.
*long sigh* yes I miss it terribly. It was sad to come home, but home is home and I have returned to beautiful weather in Canada. Summer is here, life is illuminating and alive again. Even breathing is easier in summertime. My mind is at ease, and I'm at peace with nostlagic thoughts of palm trees swaying in the ocean breeze while simultaneously embracing the near future of poolside joy, beaches, and cottage life. Summertime freedom is upon us.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
I Am Electric.
My life in the past few months has truly been a series of euphoric experiences. I used to get so nervous about not using my time to its full potentional that essentially I wasted much of it worried over missing opportunities and ending up in an office living a mediocre life
One day it just clicked in my mind. I dropped the obsession of wasting youth and began taking things as they come, living freely. I have taken the say yes to as many things as possible philosophy - I have gone wild! Each weekend, no, each day, ignites a fire in my soul, enabling me to embrace every new experience that falls my way. Less and less do I find myself suffocated over the lost potential in life, instead I find myself taking control and participating in anything and everything that fulfills my passions. I feel electric.
The world, or rather humanity, can be exceptionally cruel and unjust. I would sit for hours overwhlemed by that hopeless feeling that there is nothing quite so good that could conquer the evil... almost like there can be a thousand good people fighting for good change, but then that one person who does something terrible somehow shadows all of the goodness. Recently my perspective of this has changed - mainly because I need it to change. Instead of sitting, and thinking, and doing nothing about my helpless feeling, I invest that sadness into a form of action. I think I've come to realize that you can only do the actions you hope that others will, but just by your act alone you are doing something with purpose.
One of the things I have tried to act on is the unneccessity of eating meat. I am vegan and trying to spread awareness of the unethical act of eating meat/dairy products, as well as the environmental impact it has on the world (astonishing). I am even writing an article for the IS Foundation about the perks of being vegan - and the environmental aspects of it seeing as most people have heard the animal cruelty spiel before. Sometimes I feel like those people who impose their religious views on others, but I can't help how passionate I feel about it!
Anyway, I shall move on.
I have become a lot more involved with how I can help my community and the world in any small way that I can. Just by doing that I feel a spark of hope for the future because I can already see how many others out there are trying to do the same. Even within my community of family and friends I can see my influence rubbing off.
I'm constantly inspired by life these days. I let my imagination run wild and free, allowing it to mould my reality. People used to define me as a dreamer- and I was, and still am in a lot of ways, but I am more concerned with reality now and making life something concrete, something I can grasp onto and revel in. So instead of constantly living in my mind, I have applied the thoughts of my made up world into reality. Fantasy is my reality. I am alive. I am electric. And the world with all of its beauty and horrors combined is perfectly alright with me.
One day it just clicked in my mind. I dropped the obsession of wasting youth and began taking things as they come, living freely. I have taken the say yes to as many things as possible philosophy - I have gone wild! Each weekend, no, each day, ignites a fire in my soul, enabling me to embrace every new experience that falls my way. Less and less do I find myself suffocated over the lost potential in life, instead I find myself taking control and participating in anything and everything that fulfills my passions. I feel electric.
The world, or rather humanity, can be exceptionally cruel and unjust. I would sit for hours overwhlemed by that hopeless feeling that there is nothing quite so good that could conquer the evil... almost like there can be a thousand good people fighting for good change, but then that one person who does something terrible somehow shadows all of the goodness. Recently my perspective of this has changed - mainly because I need it to change. Instead of sitting, and thinking, and doing nothing about my helpless feeling, I invest that sadness into a form of action. I think I've come to realize that you can only do the actions you hope that others will, but just by your act alone you are doing something with purpose.
One of the things I have tried to act on is the unneccessity of eating meat. I am vegan and trying to spread awareness of the unethical act of eating meat/dairy products, as well as the environmental impact it has on the world (astonishing). I am even writing an article for the IS Foundation about the perks of being vegan - and the environmental aspects of it seeing as most people have heard the animal cruelty spiel before. Sometimes I feel like those people who impose their religious views on others, but I can't help how passionate I feel about it!
Anyway, I shall move on.
I have become a lot more involved with how I can help my community and the world in any small way that I can. Just by doing that I feel a spark of hope for the future because I can already see how many others out there are trying to do the same. Even within my community of family and friends I can see my influence rubbing off.
I'm constantly inspired by life these days. I let my imagination run wild and free, allowing it to mould my reality. People used to define me as a dreamer- and I was, and still am in a lot of ways, but I am more concerned with reality now and making life something concrete, something I can grasp onto and revel in. So instead of constantly living in my mind, I have applied the thoughts of my made up world into reality. Fantasy is my reality. I am alive. I am electric. And the world with all of its beauty and horrors combined is perfectly alright with me.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
A Fire for Every Experience
It amuses me how one boy altered my entire state of being. How getting closure with him after four years of being strung along in the chase led me to swear off dating for the rest of highschool. How in that moment a barrier was created between the world and my heart without me even noticing. Even more, it being the same year my friends abandoned me, for whatever dramatic reasons, enabled me to become hopelessly dependent on my independence. And I never went back.
I look around the walls of my room and am reminded of all the growing up I did in here. And for the first time, it doesn't sadden me to look back. Though I've done a lot of crying and suffering in this room, I've also done a lot of laughing, playing. This is the room I've spent so much time dreaming, hoping, wishing on so many stars, just waiting for life to begin.
I craved an all consuming love from the very depths of my soul and begged for it through my window. But at the same time I knew my heart was conflicted about what it wanted because it became gaurded - knowing too well I would fall too easily for just anyone. And I refused to settle - hell I still refuse to settle - so I've become open to indulging in every experience, in random experiences, along with the knowledge of having no long term expectations.
But it all comes back to him. The first boy to break my heart. Who made me believe I was in love. Who inspired me, my thoughts, my writing, for so many years. And though I know it was the most painful, pathetic, tedious thing I had ever endured in my teenage years, all I want is to thank him for shaping who I was to become so entirely, into the fiercely independent person I am. Who still has the capacity to believe in love and have compassion. To still hope, dream & believe that an all consuming romance awaits in the world. I don't think I will find it myself, but it's the fact that I keep close in my heart the knowledge that there are soul mates out there - And if you end up with yours, then it's a rare and beautiful existence to have lived at all
I look around the walls of my room and am reminded of all the growing up I did in here. And for the first time, it doesn't sadden me to look back. Though I've done a lot of crying and suffering in this room, I've also done a lot of laughing, playing. This is the room I've spent so much time dreaming, hoping, wishing on so many stars, just waiting for life to begin.
I craved an all consuming love from the very depths of my soul and begged for it through my window. But at the same time I knew my heart was conflicted about what it wanted because it became gaurded - knowing too well I would fall too easily for just anyone. And I refused to settle - hell I still refuse to settle - so I've become open to indulging in every experience, in random experiences, along with the knowledge of having no long term expectations.
But it all comes back to him. The first boy to break my heart. Who made me believe I was in love. Who inspired me, my thoughts, my writing, for so many years. And though I know it was the most painful, pathetic, tedious thing I had ever endured in my teenage years, all I want is to thank him for shaping who I was to become so entirely, into the fiercely independent person I am. Who still has the capacity to believe in love and have compassion. To still hope, dream & believe that an all consuming romance awaits in the world. I don't think I will find it myself, but it's the fact that I keep close in my heart the knowledge that there are soul mates out there - And if you end up with yours, then it's a rare and beautiful existence to have lived at all
Accept Darkness
I write to get unbearable thoughts or feelings out of my system.. whether immensely sad or dark, or incredibly happy or overwhelemed with joy. I think that's what it's all about anyway - to allow yourself to feel as much as possible with all your depth in any emotion you're feeling. It is during those moments that you truly understand the transcendent concept of being alive.
I guess I decided to start writing again because I don't feel the pressure to rewrite my entire past. I'll just write things as they come back to my mind. I also feel very inspired lately by the music I've been listening to and this book I "The Perks of Being a Wall Flower". Absolutly beautiful. So intricate with those emotions of exhausting sadness and moments that feel like infinite joy, which I think so many people can relate to. I find that depressing though, that the majority of humanity has known such desperate sadness and that we all feel lonely more often than not. Even amongst people - no, especially when surrounded by people. And yet it is sort of beautiful, the unity of it all and the truth in it. And lets not forget the part that we all feel intoxicating love and joy at some time which gives us hope and a feeling of belonging somewhere in the world in our constant search to find a real sense of home.
I used to rely so heavily on my dreams and the stars to carry out my destiny. I am a dreamer. But recently I've begun to find the sensations of wonder & curiosity that I used to seek in the stars, now in the pulsing of my own veins. I feel more free to indulge in my dreams in my daily life and make them reality - to live them and also not be scared of the darkness that at times consumes me. Because now I realize that the rush I feel in under my skin, in my blood, the immense depth, the dark, is something to embrace. And it's ok to feel that darkness, to live with your darkness, when you know that you also believe in the light. There's this quote I recently read and part of it really stood out to me: "You must be strong enough to love the world, but be empty enough to sit at the same table and face all of its horrors" - I think that is something that really resignates with me.
It hurts sometimes, most times, knowing how broken people really are, but the only choice we really have is to carry the knowledge that is unites us. Everybody is struggling, thought it's easy to believe its only yourself who feels lost sometimes. But "we must either learn to carry the weight of the universe, or be crushed by it". Learning to live with your sadness and still remain hopeful in all endeavers is really the key - for me at least. Life should not be taken so seriously. Do what feels right, be a compassionate person, and have fun fulfilling your days with things that bring you joy and purpose.
I guess I decided to start writing again because I don't feel the pressure to rewrite my entire past. I'll just write things as they come back to my mind. I also feel very inspired lately by the music I've been listening to and this book I "The Perks of Being a Wall Flower". Absolutly beautiful. So intricate with those emotions of exhausting sadness and moments that feel like infinite joy, which I think so many people can relate to. I find that depressing though, that the majority of humanity has known such desperate sadness and that we all feel lonely more often than not. Even amongst people - no, especially when surrounded by people. And yet it is sort of beautiful, the unity of it all and the truth in it. And lets not forget the part that we all feel intoxicating love and joy at some time which gives us hope and a feeling of belonging somewhere in the world in our constant search to find a real sense of home.
I used to rely so heavily on my dreams and the stars to carry out my destiny. I am a dreamer. But recently I've begun to find the sensations of wonder & curiosity that I used to seek in the stars, now in the pulsing of my own veins. I feel more free to indulge in my dreams in my daily life and make them reality - to live them and also not be scared of the darkness that at times consumes me. Because now I realize that the rush I feel in under my skin, in my blood, the immense depth, the dark, is something to embrace. And it's ok to feel that darkness, to live with your darkness, when you know that you also believe in the light. There's this quote I recently read and part of it really stood out to me: "You must be strong enough to love the world, but be empty enough to sit at the same table and face all of its horrors" - I think that is something that really resignates with me.
It hurts sometimes, most times, knowing how broken people really are, but the only choice we really have is to carry the knowledge that is unites us. Everybody is struggling, thought it's easy to believe its only yourself who feels lost sometimes. But "we must either learn to carry the weight of the universe, or be crushed by it". Learning to live with your sadness and still remain hopeful in all endeavers is really the key - for me at least. Life should not be taken so seriously. Do what feels right, be a compassionate person, and have fun fulfilling your days with things that bring you joy and purpose.
Let It Be
Sometimes I feel very much alone. I embrace the lack of emotion inside me during these lazy hours. Out of boredom comes new desires of needing something significant to do, or hoping that something exciting and magical is about to come my way, to break me free from idleness. I love my solitude. But sometimes I get the most overwhelming urge to do something of great importance or experience something liberating. Being alive is such a strage concept isn't it? What are we meant to do with the time that is given to us -- and does it even matter? We're all dying every day.. doesn't make much sense to worry about anything in life, especially the things you cannot change. You probably should just do all the things that will fulfill you. I don't think that's selfish because giving back to your community should aid in the fulfillment you seek, thus helping the world move forward. I believe in that; helping your community and fulfilling your part in acts of kindness. I also believe you have to listen to your soul and allow yourself to experience any and all things that feed your passion, things that give you inner satisfaction. Enjoy your time on earth, do what feels right and good for yourself so that you can do good for others. To each their own - and thats what makes life interesting. It's all a mysterious design that is pointless in trying to approach with answers. Why can't being here right now be enough? Why go searching for answers when we're meant to live the questions? It seems pretty silly to me. You cant worry about the world and all of its horrors - you'd drown in a misery and depression that is tragically hard to escape from. Life is life - it's what you and your thoughts make it. And it's scary to wonder why we're even here at all.... so It's best to always carry hope and accept all as it is. Do our part by living and let the rest be.
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