I Am Electric.

My life in the past few months has truly been a series of euphoric experiences. I used to get so nervous about not using my time to its full potentional that essentially I wasted much of it worried over missing opportunities and ending up in an office living a mediocre life
 
One day it just clicked in my mind. I dropped the obsession of wasting youth and began taking things as they come, living freely. I have taken the say yes to as many things as possible philosophy - I have gone wild! Each weekend, no, each day, ignites a fire in my soul, enabling me to embrace every new experience that falls my way. Less and less do I find myself suffocated over the lost potential in life, instead I find myself taking control and participating in anything and everything that fulfills my passions. I feel electric. 
 
The world, or rather humanity, can be exceptionally cruel and unjust. I would sit for hours overwhlemed by that hopeless feeling that there is nothing quite so good that could conquer the evil... almost like there can be a thousand good people fighting for good change, but then that one person who does something terrible somehow shadows all of the goodness. Recently my perspective of this has changed - mainly because I need it to change. Instead of sitting, and thinking, and doing nothing about my helpless feeling, I invest that sadness into a form of action. I think I've come to realize that you can only do the actions you hope that others will, but just by your act alone you are doing something with purpose.

 One of the things I have tried to act on is the unneccessity of eating meat. I am vegan and trying to spread awareness of the unethical act of eating meat/dairy products, as well as the environmental impact it has on the world (astonishing). I am even writing an article for the IS Foundation about the perks of being vegan - and the environmental aspects of it seeing as most people have heard the animal cruelty spiel before. Sometimes I feel like those people who impose their religious views on others, but I can't help how passionate I feel about it!

Anyway, I shall move on.

I have become a lot more involved with how I can help my community and the world in any small way that I can. Just by doing that I feel a spark of hope for the future because I can already see how many others out there are trying to do the same. Even within my community of family and friends I can see my influence rubbing off.

 I'm constantly inspired by life these days. I let my imagination run wild and free, allowing it to mould my reality. People used to define me as a dreamer- and I was, and still am in a lot of ways, but I am more concerned with reality now and making life something concrete, something I can grasp onto and revel in. So instead of constantly living in my mind, I have applied the thoughts of my made up world into reality. Fantasy is my reality. I am alive. I am electric. And the world with all of its beauty and horrors combined is perfectly alright with me.

A Fire for Every Experience

It amuses me how one boy altered my entire state of being. How getting closure with him after four years of being strung along in the chase led me to swear off dating for the rest of highschool. How in that moment a barrier was created between the world and my heart without me even noticing. Even more, it being the same year my friends abandoned me, for whatever dramatic reasons, enabled me to become hopelessly dependent on my independence. And I never went back.


I look around the walls of my room and am reminded of all the growing up I did in here. And for the first time, it doesn't sadden me to look back. Though I've done a lot of crying and suffering in this room, I've also done a lot of laughing, playing. This is the room I've spent so much time dreaming, hoping, wishing on so many stars, just waiting for life to begin.

I craved an all consuming love from the very depths of my soul and begged for it through my window. But at the same time I knew my heart was conflicted about what it wanted because it became gaurded - knowing too well I would fall too easily for just anyone. And I refused to settle - hell I still refuse to settle - so I've become open to indulging in every experience, in random experiences, along with the knowledge of having no long term expectations.

But it all comes back to him. The first boy to break my heart. Who made me believe I was in love. Who inspired me, my thoughts, my writing, for so many years. And though I know it was the most painful, pathetic, tedious thing I had ever endured in my teenage years, all I want is to thank him for shaping who I was to become so entirely, into the fiercely independent person I am. Who still has the capacity to believe in love and have compassion. To still hope, dream & believe that an all consuming romance awaits in the world. I don't think I will find it myself, but it's the fact that I keep close in my heart the knowledge that there are soul mates out there - And if you end up with yours, then it's a rare and beautiful existence to have lived at all

Accept Darkness

I write to get unbearable thoughts or feelings out of my system.. whether immensely sad or dark, or incredibly happy or overwhelemed with joy. I think that's what it's all about anyway - to allow yourself to feel as much as possible with all your depth in any emotion you're feeling. It is during those moments that you truly understand the transcendent concept of being alive.


I guess I decided to start writing again because  I don't feel the pressure to rewrite my entire past. I'll just write things as they come back to my mind. I also feel very inspired lately by the music I've been listening to and this book I "The Perks of Being a Wall Flower". Absolutly beautiful. So intricate with those emotions of exhausting sadness and moments that feel like infinite joy, which I think so many people can relate to. I find that depressing though, that the majority of humanity has known such desperate sadness and that we all feel lonely more often than not. Even amongst people - no, especially when surrounded by people. And yet it is sort of beautiful, the unity of it all and the truth in it. And lets not forget the part that we all feel intoxicating love and joy at some time which gives us hope and a feeling of belonging somewhere in the world in our constant search to find a real sense of home.

I used to rely so heavily on my dreams and the stars to carry out my destiny. I am a dreamer. But recently I've begun to find the sensations of wonder & curiosity that I used to seek in the stars, now in the pulsing of my own veins. I feel more free to indulge in my dreams in my daily life and make them reality - to live them and also not be scared of the darkness that at times consumes me. Because now I realize that the rush I feel in under my skin, in my blood, the immense depth, the dark, is something to embrace. And it's ok to feel that darkness, to live with your darkness, when you know that you also believe in the light. There's this quote I recently read and part of it really stood out to me: "You must be strong enough to love the world, but be empty enough to sit at the same table and face all of its horrors" - I think that is something that really resignates with me.

It hurts sometimes, most times, knowing how broken people really are, but the only choice we really have is to carry the knowledge that is unites us. Everybody is struggling, thought it's easy to believe its only yourself who feels lost sometimes. But "we must either learn to carry the weight of the universe, or be crushed by it". Learning to live with your sadness and still remain hopeful in all endeavers is really the key - for me at least. Life should not be taken so seriously. Do what feels right, be a compassionate person, and have fun fulfilling your days with things that bring you joy and purpose.

Let It Be

Sometimes I feel very much alone. I embrace the lack of emotion inside me during these lazy hours. Out of boredom comes new desires of needing something significant to do, or hoping that something exciting and magical is about to come my way, to break me free from idleness. I love my solitude. But sometimes I get the most overwhelming urge to do something of great importance or experience something liberating. Being alive is such a strage concept isn't it? What are we meant to do with the time that is given to us -- and does it even matter? We're all dying every day.. doesn't make much sense to worry about anything in life, especially the things you cannot change. You probably should just do all the things that will fulfill you. I don't think that's selfish because giving back to your community should aid in the fulfillment you seek, thus helping the world move forward. I believe in that; helping your community and fulfilling your part in acts of kindness. I also believe you have to listen to your soul and allow yourself to experience any and all things that feed your passion, things that give you inner satisfaction. Enjoy your time on earth, do what feels right and good for yourself so that you can do good for others. To each their own - and thats what makes life interesting. It's all a mysterious design that is pointless in trying to approach with answers. Why can't being here right now be enough? Why go searching for answers when we're meant to live the questions? It seems pretty silly to me. You cant worry about the world and all of its horrors - you'd drown in a misery and depression that is tragically hard to escape from. Life is life - it's what you and your thoughts make it. And it's scary to wonder why we're even here at all.... so It's best to always carry hope and accept all as it is. Do our part by living and let the rest be.