A Fire for Every Experience

It amuses me how one boy altered my entire state of being. How getting closure with him after four years of being strung along in the chase led me to swear off dating for the rest of highschool. How in that moment a barrier was created between the world and my heart without me even noticing. Even more, it being the same year my friends abandoned me, for whatever dramatic reasons, enabled me to become hopelessly dependent on my independence. And I never went back.


I look around the walls of my room and am reminded of all the growing up I did in here. And for the first time, it doesn't sadden me to look back. Though I've done a lot of crying and suffering in this room, I've also done a lot of laughing, playing. This is the room I've spent so much time dreaming, hoping, wishing on so many stars, just waiting for life to begin.

I craved an all consuming love from the very depths of my soul and begged for it through my window. But at the same time I knew my heart was conflicted about what it wanted because it became gaurded - knowing too well I would fall too easily for just anyone. And I refused to settle - hell I still refuse to settle - so I've become open to indulging in every experience, in random experiences, along with the knowledge of having no long term expectations.

But it all comes back to him. The first boy to break my heart. Who made me believe I was in love. Who inspired me, my thoughts, my writing, for so many years. And though I know it was the most painful, pathetic, tedious thing I had ever endured in my teenage years, all I want is to thank him for shaping who I was to become so entirely, into the fiercely independent person I am. Who still has the capacity to believe in love and have compassion. To still hope, dream & believe that an all consuming romance awaits in the world. I don't think I will find it myself, but it's the fact that I keep close in my heart the knowledge that there are soul mates out there - And if you end up with yours, then it's a rare and beautiful existence to have lived at all